skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Someone recently commented to me that they did not like the "fakeness" of Californians. She said in other parts of the country, people either like you or you don't but at least you know where you stand. In her view, people here were "nice to my face but would stab me in the back."
This is not the first time I've heard this and I started to dissect it. Having lived in NY, Chicago, Indiana, Washington D.C. and then here in SF for 8 years, I think I have a pretty good perspective on people from various parts of the country. New Yorkers can be the nicest, most helpful people in the world - as long as they don't think you're stupid or wasting their time. Many Midwesterners are not slow or lack refinement - many of them are the best foodies and wine lovers I've ever met and have very liberal viewpoints. And not all Californians are granola-eating, hippie love children who enjoy panhandling more than working an honest day's work.
That's the trouble with stereotypes: unless you experience a broad range of people and places, it's too easy to make snap judgments. Not saying I've never been guilty (I still struggle with my own bad experiences in Texas) but it's so interesting to see why and how people get the perceptions they hang on to for the rest of their lives.
Case in point: my acquaintance above. In her opinion someone who was nice and polite to her automatically meant this person was her friend. Someone who would hang out with her, go shopping with her, essentially be a good friend. She would rather a person show NO signs of kindness than be kind but not want to get too close. But sometimes people are just polite and nice to be, well, polite and nice. Isn't that just basic etiquette? Maybe our "honesty is the best policy" society has gone a tad too far. There's honesty, and then there's tact and human decency.
Backstabbing implies so much more. It implies they "acted" like your best friend, but then double-crossed you, stole your boyfriend, embezzled money. Why do we in today's world have to be so black and white? Why can't we just all be civil and nice and respectful of people without wanting to be a bridesmaid at their wedding?
Is it really backstabbing or duplicitous? In my book, I think people are just trying to be respectful and kind to others, as they should. Doesn't mean I want to move in with you. Just means I respect you as a person. That should be celebrated, not condemned.
Wouldn't it be great if life ACTUALLY had a rule like this?!
Yes, shocking, but there is a book called "The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One that Isn't" which talks about how to deal with creeps, despots, jerks, and assholes at work - and how to avoid hiring them in the first place. The book was written by a Stanford professor and PhD and it's marvelous. I haven't finished reading it all yet, but it mostly talks about the actual economical and emotional impacts to companies of hiring too many assholes (lost productivity, less profitability, high turnover rates - nothing earth-shattering), as well as peppering in stories of companies who literally have a "no assholes allowed" rule in hiring and retention. That's right. Companies like JetBlue, Southwest Airlines, Virgin, even Men's Wearhouse have built in hiring criteria to ward off people like this. Amazing! The more important takeaway is that this is not just a credo or a pretty statement on a website: some of these companies have actually let assholes go, even though they were high-performers.
And they define the subjective term "asshole" in the book. To sum up, it's someone who degrades, disrespects, abuses, torments, or belittles. The other criteria is that they often do this to people who have less power than them, but are sweet as pie to those above them. I guess if someone is unbiasedly abusive to everyone from the CEO to the janitor than maybe they are just cranky. The point is people are behaving this way to yield power over someone or for an express purpose. Oh, and they also need to show this behavior on a consistent basis to earn the label - not just on the day their car got wrecked or something.
The price you pay for excusing bad behavior because someone is "really good at their job" far outweighs the benefits. People seem the get this in theory, but far too few are brave enough to take action. I once worked for a company who hired a new boss for a department. Things did not go well. This person was rude, disrespectful, mean, abusive and all sorts of other things to rule by fear. Yes, this person was extremely smart and really good at their job in many respects. But who would stay in their presence long enough to learn that? People complained to HR. People left the company. I think some people even got Legal involved. But they kept this person on because as far as executive management could see, things were getting done and this person was indeed very smart and very good. So fair enough. But what about the emotional toll on these poor people? What about the time they wasted at work questioning their abilities, feeling low, or searching for a new job on Monster.com? What about the reputation hit this company took when trying to fill open spots - would YOU recommend a good person to step into the dragon's lair with you? And what about the inability to be creative or innovative because they were so abused or bereft of hope?
One story I loved is that a big clue that someone is an asshole is how they treat those in positions below them on the totem pole. Richard Branson, the billionaire wizard behind Virgin and all it's brands, tested this when he was casting for his reality series about being the next billionaire. He disguised himself as an arthritic chauffer to pick up prospective contestants at the airport. Those who treated him with disrespect and rudeness due to the simple fact that he was a driver were immediately cut from the competition. This is his litmus test and I think it is a good one.
But this book is not all about a blame game. You will see as you read it that many times in your career, the "asshole" may have been staring back at you in the mirror. Whether you want to admit it or not, you've been a jerk, you've snapped, you've treated someone in what you thought was an insignificant role like a piece of crap.
So I thought about this quite a lot. I have HATED when I have realized I am that person at work. Often for me it comes from being unhappy in my job. I find I lash out at people who don't deserve it because I am not satisfied. But it's not their fault. I have no excuse for turning into someone I don't want to be just because someone ELSE is mistreating me.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said something to the effect of "You always have a choice. Sometimes it's simply a choice of attitude." I really love this quote and think of it often. I am never trapped by circumstance. If I am choosing to stay in a bad situation for a while due to other priorities, then I can still choose how I act towards those around me. I can remember they are someone's mother, brother, daughter, friend, caregiver and try to be a little nicer.
Sigh....if only all people could remember this from time to time, the world would be a better place.
I had one of THE most fantastic burritos to ever pass my lips yesterday from El Tonayense. And that's a bold statement coming from a San Franciscan. I had passed the sketchy looking trailers on Harrison multiple times but never thought anything of them - until I read they were voted Best Burritos in town in a recent SF Weekly readers' poll. So on a totally depressing, foggy, and cold Sunday afternoon, my husband and I decided to be adventurous and give it a shot. And YUM we are so glad we did!
Delighted to put my Spanish minor to good use, I ordered like a native (at least I like to delude myself into thinking so). I ordered a pollo asado burrito, while Paul went for the pollo asado quesadilla, both con todo. While the only difference between the two orders was that his was just a slightly grilled version of my burrito, these were both delectable delights from the old country. Creamy guac, lean chicken grilled to perfection, and a side of secret salsa that kicked you in the ass. I am not the burrito aficionado my husband is, but man, these were awesome.
And we paid $11 for both items together with a side of chips. That's a bargain any day, rain or shine, in the City by the Bay. Have I been frequenting the wrong taquerias or what? Mmmmmm......tasty good spot (there are actually 3 lunch trucks spaced out on Harrison, the easiest to find being the one parked at Best Buy) to get lunch and head to the park, or to treat out-of-town guests looking for authentic Mission-style grub.
Posts
