Backstabbing or Etiquette?

Someone recently commented to me that they did not like the "fakeness" of Californians. She said in other parts of the country, people either like you or you don't but at least you know where you stand. In her view, people here were "nice to my face but would stab me in the back."

This is not the first time I've heard this and I started to dissect it. Having lived in NY, Chicago, Indiana, Washington D.C. and then here in SF for 8 years, I think I have a pretty good perspective on people from various parts of the country. New Yorkers can be the nicest, most helpful people in the world - as long as they don't think you're stupid or wasting their time. Many Midwesterners are not slow or lack refinement - many of them are the best foodies and wine lovers I've ever met and have very liberal viewpoints. And not all Californians are granola-eating, hippie love children who enjoy panhandling more than working an honest day's work.

That's the trouble with stereotypes: unless you experience a broad range of people and places, it's too easy to make snap judgments. Not saying I've never been guilty (I still struggle with my own bad experiences in Texas) but it's so interesting to see why and how people get the perceptions they hang on to for the rest of their lives.

Case in point: my acquaintance above. In her opinion someone who was nice and polite to her automatically meant this person was her friend. Someone who would hang out with her, go shopping with her, essentially be a good friend. She would rather a person show NO signs of kindness than be kind but not want to get too close. But sometimes people are just polite and nice to be, well, polite and nice. Isn't that just basic etiquette? Maybe our "honesty is the best policy" society has gone a tad too far. There's honesty, and then there's tact and human decency.

Backstabbing implies so much more. It implies they "acted" like your best friend, but then double-crossed you, stole your boyfriend, embezzled money. Why do we in today's world have to be so black and white? Why can't we just all be civil and nice and respectful of people without wanting to be a bridesmaid at their wedding?

Is it really backstabbing or duplicitous? In my book, I think people are just trying to be respectful and kind to others, as they should. Doesn't mean I want to move in with you. Just means I respect you as a person. That should be celebrated, not condemned.