What can you do in 365 days?

"How do you measure, measure a year?"
- From the musical "Rent"

August 4, tomorrow, will be the one year anniversary of my aneurysm and brain hemmorhage. How does one celebrate (is that the right word?) the day you almost died? Granted, I haven't gotten melodramatic about the whole event for a year, while those around me want to know if I had a life-changing epiphany. I didn't, really. I was trying so hard to get back to "normal" that I couldn't stop to think about any greater cosmic significance.

But only recently - as I get back into my life again, as business picks up, as I start traveling to visit friends and take vacations again - has this quest for significance grown stronger.

Now, those of you who know me know I'm not much into the naval-gazing or psychobabble. While I enjoy self-actualization, goal setting and even my religious faith as much as the next guy, I have a bit more trouble dwelling on my situation when I saw so many people in rehab much, much worse off than I. People who couldn't fully speak, or walk, or get back to work. Those whose family or friends had abandoned them because they could not deal with the new person they had become. It was heartbreaking and humbling all at the same time.

So, after a dinner out and some glasses of wine shared with my husband...I ponder the duality of "Wow! It's been a whole year since it happened" against "Wow! It's only been a year and look at all we've been through!" Amazing how time and space can morph to be as long or as short as you want them to be.

So, my friends, here is a list of what indeed can happen to someone within 1 year, 365 days. And all I can say is, despite everything, I don't know that I would really change a single thing!

In 365 days, you can:

• Go from healthy to hospitalized to healthy again
• Live through a coiling procedure, an angioplasty, a shunt implementation - and 2 painful eye surgeries.
• Realize how much your spouse truly loves you and how seriously he took the "For better or worse, in sickness and health" part of the vows - especially when he has to see you with a shaved head, breathing tubes and a nasty streak when you lash out
• Learn to never take health for granted ever again
• Take pride in your strength at having stiches put in your head without anesthesia
• Appreciate a family who flies across the country to be with you - knowing many others don't have that kind of bond
• Realize how amazing your mother-in-law really is when she flies from Scotland to Seattle
• Witness firsthand (and be utterly overwhelmed by) the impact you've had on people you've worked with or been friends with over the years - and see just how much you really mean to them
• Learn true generosity of spirit when your friends fly from all over the U.S. to be with you - including some you haven't even seen in a few years - especially when you can't remember most of them being here in the first place
• Appreciate friends who love you so much, they are still there for you when you've temporarily forgotten who they are
• Get used to being pretty much blind for 6 weeks and then have (mostly) full eyesight restored
• Sweep away all the extraneous crap that occupies our lives most days - and realize what truly matters
• Receive the help of countless strangers who saved your life literally and figuratively and realize you may never see any of them again
• Learn to get your strength and stamina back after your body has been through hell
• Appreciate the lessons that your wonderful adopted dog can teach you
• Take time to celebrate small accomplishments, like being able to walk the dog on your own for 30 minutes with no physical therapist present
• See such an outpouring of love, support and well wishes that your heart almost bursts from trying to process it all
• Determine how you will make a difference in the time you have left on this Earth (actually, still working on this one!)
• Learn to not sweat the small stuff
• Learn more about brain injuries and recovery than you would ever possibly care to know
• Recognize your fragile limitations as a human and how wonderfully complex our brains really are in determining our talents and interests
• Accept patience into your life during a slow but steady recovery
• Learn to let go of who you were in exchange for who you have become
• Appreciate the value of slowing down and being in the moment
• Realize the value of going after your dreams, but balance that with not putting too much pressure on yourself to do everything NOW
• Complete an eBook and a book proposal all while recovering from brain injury
• See how wonderful human beings can be to each other - especially medical caregivers
• Recognize how desperately our health care system needs some kind of reform for people who are not as lucky as us
• Appreciate the thrill of driving again when it's been denied to you for 9 months!
• Hone in on the causes that are nearest and dearest to your heart and clear away the clutter
• Learn to let go of pride
• Learn to accept help with an open heart
• Accept your limitations while still loving yourself
• Learn to appreciate all that you have in your own life
• Learn how to give it all back in the end to others who are in need
• Get back up on that horse and live to fight another day, since there is so much to fight for!

My love goes to all of you out there, who sent a card, posted a note on my recovery website, made a phone call, sent an email, flew out here, contributed a gift. And here's some great links:

UW Medical Center - if you have to have brain surgery, you can't ask for more.

Info on brain injury recovery - many of the issues people have recovering from brain injury will shock you, even if the person "looks" okay, but those darn frontal lobes control a lot of behavior we think is automatic.

Lumosity - a great place to train your brain that helped me tremendously. These exercises also help keep your brain nimble against aging, even if you're healthy.

Caring Bridge - where my recovery website was posted: websites for those in medical distress

A Realistic Bucket List

Seems "bucket lists" are all the rage lately. Not sure if this term was around for a while or debuted with the Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman film of the same title. Regardless, it kind of irks me that it is swirling around everywhere like so much the latest hot handbag or must-have designer. While I love self-help and goal-setting content as much as the next gal (yes, I read Eckhart Tolle. Back off.), I'm always leary when it takes the form of a blind fad or trend. Shouldn't those themes be much more consistent and ongoing throughout our lives?

As the one year anniversary of my brain hemmorraghe draws closer, however, I'm still trying to figure out what it all means - and if it really means anything anyway. As I distance myself from the immediate needs and recovery of the event - which were all about getting back to daily living - I am entering a second phase of more thoughtful perspectives around the whole thing. Why did I survive? Why is my recovery going so much more miraculously than someone who has 3 children relying on them? If it was not "my time" yet, than what the heck am I meant to do here? What am I not "finished" with?

Answers abound. My husband, who truly understands how lucky we are but is not a spiritual guy, will tell you "This happened because your artery was weak due to genetics and high blood pressure and it burst. You are okay now because we got you to the hospital in time and the doctors were amazingly skilled. End of story." Or maybe it's just as simple as what my friend Melanie, who I had not seen in person in 10 years and just caught up with over dinner, said the other night, "Maybe you are still here so on this night, in this city, we could catch up over dinner and you can entertain me." I like that answer.

Which brings me back to bucket lists. I feel in this "renaissance of enlightenment", we are just putting too much darn pressure on ourselves to "live our best life." I am all about going after you want, not waiting, experiencing all you can experience. But in my life, the adventures have happened pretty organically. Sure, intention and goals are great things. But when they start to consume you, to make you feel like you are less of a person if you don't accomplish them, that's where I have a problem.

My recovery has been all about being gently with myself, setting realistic goals, and not overwhelming myself with too much. I think this is a good way to live, brain injury or not. So rather than some of the more lofty bucket lists out there that seem to taunt and stress out many of us and make us feel like we are not doing, being, seeing enough, here is a simple bucket list. It is doable, achievable and can still enrich your life greatly. You're welcome.

1. Ensure you have at least one person in your life who understands you, accepts you for who you are, and who makes you laugh. Just one will do. Could be a lover, parent, sibling or friend. If you don't have someone like this, make it your mission to find him or her.
2. Spend at least one night of your life falling asleep to, and waking up to, the ocean. Wherever that might be.
3. Next time you are on a plane, bus or train with a rambunctious toddler or fussy baby, try to make them smile. Just once.
4. Call one long-distance friend a week. Not email. PHONE. If you can't call, write a hand-written note.
5. Adopt a pet once in your life and give them a happy, loving home.
6. Say thank you to every bus driver or cabbie when you get off the bus/out of the cab.
7. Once a day, ask one clerk, be it barista or cashier, "How are you doing today?"
8. Have one dinner outside on a warm summer night with friends, wine, candles and great conversation.
9. Each time you talk to a family member or a close friend, say "I love you" at the end of the conversation. You never know if it might be the last time.
10. Every year, make one trip to a place you've never been or somewhere out of your comfort zone. This could be another U.S. city, a foreign country, or it could be based on accomodations: if you are a hotel person, go camping. Try it for perspective.

Rant, Rattle and Roll: Stop Sign Chaos

Brace yourself. This might be unexpected news for many of you who know me well. I am pretty sure that, from a very early age - from the time I was 6 and grabbed the mike at my brother's confirmation party to belt out "Rhinestone Cowboy (twang, twang) - and up to and including the present, people may have briefly flirted with the idea that...well...I might be a drama queen.

I'm in my mid 30's now, so instead of being offended, I think I'm just going to embrace it.

In that spirit, I present a new little snippet on the Red Slice blog: Rant, Rattle and Roll. It's my way of offering a light sample of the "woe is me", put upon vibe my poor husband endures (and luckily, laughs at) on a daily basis. These episodes are often extinguished rather rapidly when I turn on the World News and realize my life is pretty damn good and I should shut up and count my blessings. Still, ya gotta admit: it IS fun to rant a little.

Today's rant: People who can't figure out 4-way stop signs.

I seem to recall this being a very important lesson when I took Driver's Ed. Whoever is at the stop sign goes first. If two of you get there at the exact same moment, you yield to the driver on the right. Simple. Done. Boom, Right?

Wrong. Put aside the "But what if all FOUR people get to the sign at the same time?" Slow down, Sparky: A) that ain't ever gonna happen and B) let's get the 2-car yielding down right first before we tackle the next level, shall we?

Did they take this question off the test? Is this a rule that was suddenly abolished during the dot.com boom? Why can't people get it right?!?! And I've got news for you, especially Mr. Schlobbo in the Hyundai in Queen Anne the other day: it's who gets to the sign first, not the fact that you were behind the first turning car before I got to my corner. You don't get to go right behind the guy in front of you just because he took so long. Sheesh. I bet you don't use turn signals either, but that's for another bedtime story.

Rant accomplished. Ok, now back to more important things like life, liberty and vodka tonics.