Old Me, New Me

When you are recovering from a brain injury, as I am, there is a wide spectrum of therapy, advice and help available depending on your own situation. I have been fortunate enough to have wonderful doctors and overall care through the University of Washington Medical Center network and are continuing to take advantage of their therapy programs for cognitive and psychological help.

What is interesting throughout all of this, is how vague many of the answers can be. Sure, there is a lot they know about the brain - there are common organic and psychological symptoms that hit most brain injury patients and the doctors/therapists are great about providing "strategies' to deal with them. "Strategies" has been a big word in my vocabulary the last 6 months - all the therapists talk about strategies. What are your strategies for remembering information? What are your strategies for managing depression and irritability? What are your strategies for processing information that you don't understand?

Some of these strategies are basic time management and organizational principles, and as a professional, I was already employing many of them - writing notes, keeping a calendar, asking for clarification, rehearsal, etc. But some are more fundamental than that: being okay with asking someone to repeat things, for example, or counting to 10 before reacting, creating something to make you get out of bed in the morning, etc.

The common question I get is "When will you be back to normal?" I ask it of myself many times. Most people think I am "back to my old self" but a lot of what I deal with are things that only I notice as different from before. That is not to say they are "no big deal," as some people try to graciously comfort me with. The other thing people say in an effort to make me feel better is "Oh, I have memory problems too!" I know they mean well, but that sort of belittles my own experience. Plus, I did INDEED have some short term memory problems before this all happened and needed to write things down, but I'm dealing with a delta now that you are not - and I have to test those boundaries every day to know where the line is. I know that before, there were ways I handled things (old me); now, I just have to learn new ways of managing through them (new me). Sometimes this can get very frustrating, if you are used to operating in a certain way. It kind of makes you feel like a different person, which is a bit disconcerting.

I always try to ask the doctors and therapists, "Does it ever 'heal' or 'go away'? Will it ever be like it was?" And I get the quintessential non-descript medical answer: Your conditions can improve over time with practice and healing. So.....does that mean I never get to be the person I was? Well, they can't really say. Only that "you will see progress." To me, that means they are not sure if the brain actually heals to "pre-injury" condition, but that you can find new ways of doing things to balance out the effects.

Sometimes, this answer is good enough; other times, it gets me very fustrated. I can deal with "if you practice these strategies every day, you will be back to your old self in 1 year." Measureable, concrete, I know what I have to do. But no one can give that answer, as the brain is a complex thing.

So my interpretation? I just have to embrace "new me" and let go of "old me." I still am the person I was, but I might not be able to "wing it" in a presentation anymore or remember everyone's name so quickly. Those traits were part of who I was, but not who I will be. And that's okay, I guess, since many people deal with those traits even without a brain injury (although piece of advice: that does not make a brain injury patient feel any better! They have still lost a part of themselves that defined them).

The only way I can think to describe it is if your whole life, you defined yourself as "being a middle child" and all that entailed and then one day, you woke up and now you are told "you are an only child." What are the ramifications of how you see yourself and identify yourself (assuming there was no sibling death; it just one day became fact)? Yes, many people deal with being an only child all the time and from the outside looking in, that seems "normal", but for you, it is a different definition of self than it was before. And you have to cope with that.

So, I still have many of my personality traits from before - except I am overwhelmed a lot more easily and probably cannot live the frenetic, multi-activity life I led before as a) it is hard for me to focus, b) I get fatigued a lot more easily and c) it's not good for my high-blood pressure! So I have to deal with that loss - and it is a loss - and try to embrace the new me. One thing I do know: new me is a very lucky lady and has a lot to be thankful for.