Ask "What" Not "Why"

Let me digress from general sassyness, gluttony, and alcohol for a moment and talk about something bigger: living your best life.

I begin with the caveat that I am not a huge fan of most self-help books, but some occasionally provide great nuggets from kick-ass people - like Cathie Black, CEO of Hearst Magazines' "Basic Black The Essential Guide for Getting Ahead at Work (and in Life)" This is just an interesting and entertaining read if anything else, as she gives you career and life advice with anecdotes from her own amazing journey. This woman has seen and done it all and she is just generally a cool chick. Pick it up if you get a chance to see how people get things done, especially women in the business world.

A more psychological self-help book I've come across is called "Living Your Best Life" by Laura Berman Fortgang. Again, not to say I do not proceed with caution with most books that try to tell people how to live their lives (don't get me started on some professed "experts"), but a few have been interesting and I take away what I subscribe to or that which makes sense to me, and ignore the rest. One self-help book in particular did pave the way for getting out of an unhealthy relationship long ago, but I didn't realize this until much later as the effect took place over time; as a nod to my CEO, some things "influence" the deal, even if you can't prove the deal came directly out of that one particular action. I'm not saying, I'm just saying....

Laura is what seems to be the most unbiquitous profession today: a life coach. Her focus is both on career and aspirational guidance to help people achieve goals both small and lofty. A good friend of mine, Rebecca Rodskog, is also embarking on this journey, but she has an arsenal of change management experience with large and small companies to really make a difference. One of the biggest benefits of coaching, like in personal training for fitness, is that you have the power within you, you have to do all the work; the coach is just a guide that ask the right questions, keeps you on track, and most importantly, keeps you accountable. I think in that light, everyone could use a little personal coaching now and then.

Anyway, Laura has some wonderful insights and personal experiences on the topic. She divides up going after your "best" life (which, funnily enough, Cathie Black also references as the life YOU want to lead, not preconceived or societal notions of success or happiness, but choosing what works best for YOU as an individual) into three phases: The Reckoning, The Doing and The Being. Mumbo jumbo aside, I am only starting out with this book and am smack dab in the middle of The Reckoning. Which sounds like a Stephen King novel, but anyway.....this is where you "get over yourself", accept what you have to work with, and uncover your true life blueprint to get what you really want. It's a lot of reflection and asking questions.

And in this task is this concept called Wisdom Access Questions. Oftentimes, when we are stuck or do not know how to get to where we want to be (or even don't know where that destination is located) we seek causal information: Why did this happen? Why can't I make this successful? Why did they treat me like? Whose fault is it? Why is this so unfair? These tend to be the "Why" questions in our lives. And if you look at how you answer them, they all reflect the past, things that have happened, causes that got you to this point, asessments and opinions on others' behavior. While useful information, at some point, it doesn't help you answer "Where do I go from here?"

Fortgang suggests asking "Wisdom Access Questions" or WAQ's (cheesy, but hear me out) to move forward. What will get me what I want from this situation? What would make a difference? What can be learned? What is the solution? What can I do to improve?. "Why" questions focus on the problem;" What" questions focus on the solution and unleash brainstorming to how to get moving again.

If you're skeptical, as I was, try it for yourself. Write down a situation you are wrestling with and then pose all the information-seeking questions for it. Look at your answers to those questions. Then turn those into WAQ's, the "What's" and see how your answers differ. It was when I did this exercise of Fortgang's that I saw, in black and white, how my What answers were all about solutions rather than general whining and laying blame. And while such childlike-tantrums of blame and shouts of unfairness can feel good and cathartic, at some point you have to wipe away your tears and come out of your room to face the music.

Information-oriented questions often seek to react, uncover evidence of wrongdoing, justify points of view, and stay self-centered and problem-oriented. But switching the questions to Wisdom-oriented enables you to get out of the blame (Why is this person so mean to me at work?) and talk about how to change the situation (What do I want this relationship with this person to be like? What can I do to change it?)

Sounds abstract and psycho-babbley (is that a word?) but I think it really works. I beleive there's an application for this in the workplace especially, as companies dig through data and metrics to determine what went wrong the year before. At some point, they need to stop looking backwards and asking "why" and look forward to say "with that learning, what do we want to do now?"

Again, one person's self-help breakthrough is another person's "Well, duh!" reaction. So whatever works for you and yours. As 2008 approaches, give it a shot and try it for yourself. You may find your mind generates new ideas just by virtue of the questions you pose.